From the Cutting Room Floor: SSPS
by D.L. SchizoAuthoress
Summary: It's back and better! My infamous first HP fic, a weird collection of outtakes from the first movie. Language and general stupidity warning. [COMPLETE]
1. From the Cutting Room Floor

"From the Cutting Room Floor"  
  
SchizoAuthoress had been on a trip to Hollywood when they were done filming the first "Harry Potter"  
movie. She found a reel of film in the garbage dumpster, which contained outtakes  
and 'improvements' originally made on the script of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" that  
were thankfully dropped. They are as follows.  
  
1. *Flashback to the night Harry's parents were killed*  
  
[EXT. The Potter house. A hand moving forward to grab the front doorknob.]  
  
VOLDEMORT: Heeeeeere's Voldie!  
  
WORMTAIL: Let's get ready to RUUUUUMMMBLE!!  
****  
2. [INT. Hogwarts castle. The staircase to the main dining hall.]  
  
DRACO: So it's true. The famous Harry Potter has finally come to Hogwarts. [moves over to  
Harry] The name's Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.  
  
[The James Bond theme starts up in the background]  
****  
3. [EXT. Hogwarts castle. Draco is on a broom, holding Neville's Remembrall]  
  
[Harry gets on his broom and flies up to Draco.]  
  
HARRY: Give it back Malfoy, or I'll knock you off your broom!  
  
DRACO: You want it so badly Potter? Go fetch it!   
  
[Draco throws the Remembrall. Harry goes after it.]  
  
[INT. Prof. McGonagall's office. Out the window, we see Harry speeding toward the Remebrall.]  
  
HARRY: Oh, shit!  
  
[Harry crashes through the window and lands in the desk.]  
  
MCGONAGALL: Oh my good heavens!  
  
[McGonagall falls off her chair in a dead faint.]  
****  
4. [INT. The chamber holding the Mirror of Esired. Prof. Quirrell is on the right, Harry to his left.]  
  
QUIRRELL: But, Master! You are not strong enough!  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I am strong enough for this...Show me the boy!  
  
[Quirrel, his back to the Mirror, begins unwrapping his turban. He throws off the last wrap witha flourish and hits Harry in the face.]  
  
HARRY: You bloody stupid prat, watch what you're doing!  
****  
5. [INT. The chamber holding the Mirror of Esired. Prof. Quirrell is on the right, Harry to his left.]  
  
QUIRRELL: But, Master! You are not strong enough!  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I am strong enough for this...Show me the boy!  
  
[Quirrel, his back to the Mirror, begins unwrapping his turban.]  
  
[As Voldemort's face is shown in the Mirror, Harry waves his wand.]  
  
[Chumbawumba's "Tubthumpin'" starts playing.]  
  
VOLDEMORT: That's so inappropriate.  
  
HARRY: But it fits you so well. [sings] "I get knocked down, but I get up again/You're never gonna keep me down"  
  
QUIRRELL: He has a point. And it is by a British band.  
  
HARRY: Maybe you would prefer Coldplay?  
****  
  
END REEL  
  
Note: I tried to keep the script as close as I could remeber...  
I don't own Harry Potter, ect.   
This is all a work of fiction.   
If you take it seriously...well, then, I really pity you. 


	2. More Bloopers and Outtakes

"More Bloopers and Outtakes"  
  
SchizoAuthoress has reviewed her stolen "trash reel" and found a few more scenes of interest.   
She also thanks God that there were "Harry Potter" purists who reviewed the movie and   
kept it in line with the book.  
  
1. [INT. The main dining hall. Prof. Quirrell runs in.]  
  
QUIRRELL: Troll! Troll! Troll in the castle!  
  
[He stops in the middle of the room.]  
  
QUIRRELL: Thought you ought know. (he faints.)  
  
[The students panic and stampede out of the main dining room.]  
  
QUIRRELL: (from floor) Ow! You bloody idiots, I'm still down here! Dammit, that's my   
spleen!  
****  
2. [INT. The dungeons, Snape's Potions classroom.]  
  
SNAPE: I expect very few of you to appreciate the beauty of potions...there will be no   
silly wand-waving or chanting of incantations in this class. However, if you pay attention,   
I can teach you to brew fame, bottle glory, and even...even...crap, what was that last one?  
****  
3. [INT. Hogwarts castle, the staircases. Harry, Ron, and Hermoine are standing on one   
of them as it starts to move.]  
  
RON: Oh, crap!!!  
  
[Ron loses his balance and falls off.]  
****  
4. [INT. The main dining hall. The first-year Gryffindors are talking to the House ghost.]  
  
RON: Fred and George told me about you! You're Nearly-Headless Nick!  
  
NICK: I prefer Sir Nicholas--  
  
HERMOINE: *Nearly* headless? How can you be nearly headless?  
  
NICK: Like this.  
  
[Nearly-Headles Nick pulls on his head, which swings on his neck as though attached to a   
hinge.]  
  
HARRY: Gross.  
  
NEVILLE: Excuse me, some of us are *eating* over here.  
****  
5. [INT. Fluffy's Room.]  
  
FLUFFY HEAD A: Grrr...  
  
FLUFFY HEAD B: Gggrrrowww...  
  
FLUFFY HEAD C: (snarls)  
  
[Harry, Ron, and Hermoine are frozen with fear against the door, eyes huge.]  
  
RON: Holy shit.  
  
HARRY: Holy shit.  
  
HERMOINE: Holy shit.  
  
[Suddenly, Ron grins and whips out a rubber chew toy. He waves it around   
and squeaks it.]  
  
HERMOINE: Are you insane?!  
  
RON: Shut up and run. On three...  
  
HARRY: One...  
  
HERMOINE: Two...  
  
RON: THREE!  
  
[Ron chucks the toy at Fluffy Head B. Heads A and C attack B and the three   
children run like hell.]  
****  
6. [EXT. The Dark Woods. Harry, Draco, and Fang enter onscreen from the left.  
Harry holds the lantern.]  
  
DRACO: I can't believe they're making us do this! This is servants' work! Wait   
until I tell my father!  
  
HARRY: Scared, Malfoy?  
  
DRACO: No! (pause. snidely.) You, Potter?  
  
HARRY: No.  
  
[A loud, threatening noise come from offscreen. Draco shreiks and jumps into   
Harry's arms.]  
  
HARRY: (grin.) So you're not scared.  
  
DRACO: Dammit, Potter! Put me down!!  
  
HARRY: Fine by me.  
  
[Harry drops Draco on his cute li'l butt and picks up the lantern again.]  
  
DRACO: (pout.) (voice-over of his thoughts.) Stupid, stupid Draco! That was you're   
big chance!  
****  
END REEL  
  
AN: Just imagine Draqco going chibi right as he jumps into Harry's arms. Makes the   
scene 10x better!! ::thinks of chibi-Draco:: Ooh...pretty...   
  
I tried to remain as close to the script as possible, with certain parts changed for comedic effect. I don't own Harry Potter.  
This is a work of fiction.  
If you think this is true...then I'm extremely impressed at my influence over your tiny mind... 


	3. Cast Interviews

"Cast Interviews"  
  
AN: Homophobes, this installment of my Thalia-inspired "Harry Potter" parody-ish tales is not for you...especially if you   
didn't dig the last scene in the second fic. Just for my pal Silent Stalker! ^.^*  
  
SchizoAuthoress, afterward to be called Schiz, decided that she would go to Hollywood and find out where the cast of   
"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" was now. Seeing as she has had such a positive response from the 'trash reel'   
scenes, Schiz wanted to cash in (metaphorically speaking...although she wouldn't say no to some money) on the   
apparent popularity of this semi-behind-the-scenes look at "Harry Potter."  
****  
INTERVIEW ONE: HERMIONE GRANGER  
  
[Hermione and Schiz sit in folding chairs across from each other.]  
  
SCHIZ: Okay, first question. How do you really pronounce your name?  
  
HERMIONE: According to the movie, "Her-my-knee." But I didn't go through eleven years of my life as "Her-me-own"   
for nothing! I'm telling you, my parents say "Her-me-own!" And my teachers in the Muggle schools used to say   
"Her-me-own-ay." But you can pronounce it either way.  
  
SCHIZ: Gee...thanks. Now, if you ever go on www.fanfiction.net, you probably see that you and Harry are really a popular   
couple. But then, so are you and Ron Weasley. So tell me, Hermione...(leans closer, voice drops to a confiding whisper)  
who is it?  
  
HERMIONE: Oh...um, well...Me and Harry? Me and Ron? Neither. We're all just friends.  
  
SCHIZ: (rolls eyes) Please. C'mon, Hermione, people are dying to know.  
  
HERMIONE: No.  
  
SCHIZ: Pleeeeeaaaseee....  
  
HERMIONE: No way, girl!  
  
[Schiz whistles. The Angry Beavers, Norbert and Daggett, burst out of her suitcase. The two jump up to be eye-level with   
Hermione.]  
  
NORBERT: Weedle weedle weedle weedle....  
  
DAGGETT: Weedle weedle weedle, tell Schiz now, you spooty spoot-spoot human!  
  
HERMIONE: Eeek! Big weaslie thingies!  
  
SCHIZ: Ah-hah! You said "Weasley!" I knew it! (to Norb and Dag) Thanks, guys. I have an old-growth tree strapped to the   
jeep if you want it.  
  
DAGGETT: Ooh...first bite, first bite!  
  
[The Angry Beavers run out to Schiz's jeep.]  
  
HERMIONE: Hmmmph. (folds arms) I'm not speaking to you anymore.  
  
SCHIZ: Fine by me. I'm tired of typing your name anyway.  
****  
INTERVIEW TWO: DRACO MALFOY  
  
SCHIZ: Hello. (holds out her hand) I'm SchizoAuthoress. Call me Schiz.  
  
DRACO: (thinks a moment, then shakes her hand) You can call me Draco.  
  
SCHIZ: Guess I'm kinda lucky you agreed to talk to a Muggle like me, hm? (laughs quietly) Well, first of all, here's a question   
people have asked me to ask you. Is your hair naturally that platinum color?  
  
DRACO: Of course it is! What do you think I do, magic it this pale?  
  
SCHIZ: Actually, my little brother thought you dyed it.  
  
DRACO: Dye? Oh, you mean that stuff Muggles use to change the colors of their things. (insulted) Hmmmph. Me, use   
Muggle dye.  
  
SCHIZ: I told him that you probably wouldn't. Is your dad really a Death Eater?  
  
DRACO: (uncomfortably) I don't think I should say anything.  
  
SCHIZ: Oh. Well, then...(whispers) is he...popular in certain circles?  
  
DRACO: (understanding what she's hinting at) Umm, yeah...very...popular. With...with the people that hang around the...  
the Black...Serpent...Pub. (nervous smile)  
  
SCHIZ: Ahhh...thanks. So! (brightly) Are you involved with anyone, Draco? Anyone around the set?  
  
DRACO: (blush) Well...  
  
SCHIZ: If you don't want to say, just give me their initials.  
  
DRACO: (acidly) I'm not that dumb! You think I didn't notice that no two main characters in the books have the   
same initials?  
  
SCHIZ: Jeez, sorry. Can I guess?  
  
DRACO: Not stopping you.  
  
SCHIZ: And not going to tell me either, eh? Okay, then. HG?  
  
DRACO: Come on! That Mudblood?  
  
SCHIZ: Hey, "My only love sprung from my only hate" you know. VW?  
  
DRACO: "Volkswagen?" Oh...d'you mean Ginny Weasley?  
  
SCHIZ: Yeah, Virginia. (long pause) Well?  
  
DRACO: Hell, no! Can we move on, please?  
  
SCHIZ: HP!  
  
DRACO: (blush) SCHIZ! Don't say that!!  
  
SCHIZ: C'mon, I've seen that Dark Forest outtake.  
  
[Draco leaps to his feet, shocked and a bit angry.]  
  
DRACO: You WHAT?!  
  
SCHIZ: Not the Jelly-Legs! Please, not the Jelly-Legs!  
  
DRACO: (has his wand out, but pauses to consider) How did you see that scene?  
  
SCHIZ: Saw the reel in the trash at the studios. Went home...watched it...published the transcripts on the Internet...  
  
DRACO: You WHAT?!  
  
SCHIZ: Not the JELLY-LEGS!!  
  
DRACO: Excuse me while I go kill the janitor.  
  
[Draco runs off. Schiz breathes a sigh of relief.]  
****  
INTERLUDE: SCHIZ TAKES A BREAK  
  
[Schiz sits in her jeep, now cleared of the tree that fell on it on the way to the set. The Angry Beavers have been   
abducted by "spoot-head shorty-shortpants aliens" and subsequently been carted off to Mars. They sent a postcard, which   
Schiz is looking at.]  
  
SCHIZ: (reading) "Having a terrible time. The spoot-head shorty-shortpants aliens are doing odd experiments on us:   
testing our absorbancy, ect. and Daggie swear he saw the Crawling Spleen. Tell Treeflower to please come and save   
us, please, please, PLE-HEE-HEESE!!!!!!   
Yours Truly,  
Norb"  
  
[A wicked gleam sparks in her eyes as she considers a very evil, evil idea. Schiz dives into the back seat and comes up   
clutching a camcorder.]  
  
SCHIZ: Muhahaha! (runs into the studio)  
  
[POV CAMCORDER. Static, then a fuzzy sign. Schiz messes with the focus.]  
  
[Sign reads: "Janitor's Closet."]  
  
SCHIZ: Oh, Draco! (kicks in the door)  
  
[Harry and Draco pull away from each other. They are obviously trying to cover up the major makeout session they   
were in the middle of. Both are rather flushed and mussed up.]  
  
SCHIZ: Really killing the janitor, hm, Draco?  
  
DRACO: Schiz!! Dammit!!  
****  
INTERVIEW THREE: RON WEASLEY  
  
SCHIZ: Ron! Hi! (shakes his hand enthusiastically) I really wanted to meet you!  
  
RON: (surprised and gratified) Really?  
  
SCHIZ: Really really.  
  
RON: I would have thought you'd want to talk to Harry.  
  
SCHIZ: Umm...well, I don't think he would, seeing as I crashed his "private party" with Draco Malfoy.  
  
RON: (nods knowingly) Oh, that. Never mind, he doesn't care. I mean, Hermione's walked in on them twice,   
and McGonagall almost had a heart-attack when she did...  
  
SCHIZ: Doesn't bother you?  
  
RON: (shrug) Should it?  
  
SCHIZ: No. I mean, it doesn't bother me either. And speaking of Hermione, I had to drag it out of her and I'm   
not sure it's right...but are you two dating?  
  
RON: Yeah. Why, did she give you the "we're all just friends" line?  
  
SCHIZ: (nod nod) Didn't buy it for a second.  
  
RON: How'd you get her to say anything?  
  
SCHIZ: Mis amigos, the Angry Beavers...but you know, everyone calls 'em "weasles" so...  
  
RON: Yeah, I can understand the confusion.  
  
SCHIZ: You break anything falling off the moving staircase?  
  
RON: My thumb. No biggie.  
  
SCHIZ: What about that chew-toy scene? How the hell did the writers dream that up?  
  
RON: (laughs) We've got the Woodstock generation. Probably popped the brown acid. And they   
wanted to give me a little "Ron to the rescue" type thing.  
  
SCHIZ: Must be hell, being a red-headed sidekick.  
  
RON: Yup. I enchanted my hair once, but it looked really weird to have freckles and any other color   
of hair. Plus, it wasn't permanent.  
  
SCHIZ: Ah.  
  
RON: Besides, I get a cool scene in "The Prisoner of Azkaban" anyway.  
  
SCHIZ: "My brother Ron had a nightmare..." "It was no nightmare! Professor McGonagall, Sirius Black was in here and he had a knife!"  
  
RON: (laughs) Hey, you do a good me.  
  
SCHIZ: Thanks. I better go. Don't want your girlfriend showing up and thinking that I'm hitting on you   
or anything.  
****  
INTERVIEW FOUR: HARRY POTTER  
  
SCHIZ: Look, first off, sorry about that whole closet thing. I just wanted to mess with Draco's head.  
  
HARRY: (shrug) No problem. Not like he takes it out on me or whatever. (pause. he grumbles) Unlike   
his abusive Death Eater dad.  
  
SCHIZ: Draco didn't even want to say "Death Eater" when I asked.  
  
HARRY: Not surprised. That jackass father of his is really secretive, you know.  
  
SCHIZ: Uh-huh. I read all four books. So, how long have you and Draco...?  
  
HARRY: Been an item? Since I teased him about the "Malfoy. Draco Malfoy." thing. We had to re-shoot   
that one about ten times.  
  
SCHIZ: No shit?  
  
HARRY: No shit. The first time, he didn't say his last name first. When he finally got it right, I teased him.   
And then one of the sound technicians played the James Bond theme music.  
  
SCHIZ: Saw that on my 'trash reel.'  
  
HARRY: (nods) Cool. Draco told me about that.  
  
SCHIZ: I played with the Dark Forest scene and chibi-tized Draco.  
  
HARRY: (devillish smile) Yum.  
  
SCHIZ: I'll give you a copy. For ten pounds.  
  
HARRY: You take Sickles?  
  
SCHIZ: Heck, why not?  
****  
  
END  
  
Disclaimer--If you can pick up a J.K Rowling book and read about the characters that show up in this fic, I   
don't own them. Do you really want to sue a teenager with an overactive imagination?  
  
More disclaimer--I'm not sure who owns "Angry Beavers" but I sure as hell know it's not me.  
  
The last bit of disclaiming--I don't own Thalia. She's the Greek Muse of comedy. I really would appreciate it   
if other writers out there NOT copy this format of outtakes from me unless you e-mail me first. It's on my   
profile. 


End file.
